We have seen many married couples attend the weekend together - some of the spouses participated in the abortion, others were not involved but came
to support their spouse. The results have been exceptionally positive, with the
couples reporting an increase in communication and intimacy after their retreat.
Some women have come to the retreat with one or both of their parents, specifically if the parent forced
her to have an abortion, or if the decision was made based on fear or disapproval.
The damage to family relationships can be opened for healing in a Rachel's Vineyard
retreat. The weekend is a unique opportunity to address this pain and reconcile
the experience. We gently encourage people to consider this option but always respect
their unique circumstances if they decide that is not best. There will always be
future opportunities to take this step if they desire additional healing and reconciliation.
During the Rachel's Vineyard weekend, we encounter healing through seeking re-connection, integration, and wholeness. Such healing can only happen when the isolation and secrecy are dismantled and
a person's story is revealed to others who will not judge or condemn. Only then is it finally possible, with the support of a small community of others who compassionately affirm the loss and respect the grief, to grieve one's losses to their fullness.
The importance of social support to the grief process reflects an important aspect of our human nature:
though we are individuals, we are inescapably social beings. A lack of social support
can degrade or destroy our well-being. Conversely, experiencing social support, even
in a single relationship, can strengthen our well-being.
For most of us, it is only when we have the support of others who will not judge or condemn us that we feel safe from rejection. This support makes it easier for us to confront and explore the deepest part of our souls. With it,
we learn how to accept forgiveness from God and from our aborted child. With it,
we learn how to extend forgiveness to ourselves and to others. And we discover how the most difficult, soul-breaking experiences imaginable can be used as the foundation for building a richer, deeper, and more meaningful existence.
Safety and confidentiality are essential when
someone begins to explore healing after an abortion. However, if the healing process encourages only private counsel
and does not involve spouses or family in the process, it may actually reinforce the isolation that
the woman experienced when she initially went away in secret to "deal with the problem."
So counseling,
itself, can be surrounded with the same anxiety as going away in secret to have an abortion, because
the person is still going away alone to deal with the aftermath. Consequently, the secret is still intact
- and so is the shame and guilt surrounding it.
As long as someone has the lingering doubt that
"if my parents, my spouse, my sister, (etc.) knew about my abortion, they would reject me, judge me, condemn me, or hurt me,"
that person is not free to trust or experience the blessed intimacy of being known, unconditionally accepted, and loved.
We can only feel loved to the extent that others know us and accept us. Perhaps someone close to you might need to learn more about abortion trauma and some of the ways that this experience can impact a woman.
Forbidden Grief is a good resource for education on this subject.