Gina's Story: A Father and
Daughter's Search for Healing after Abortion
Often a Father will discover his daughter is pregnant, and
see abortion as the best way to protect her from the pain of
single parenthood, or a relationship with her boyfriend that he
does not approve of. When a grandfather) is involved in
abortion, it can be a very painful and confusing experience that
brings pain and heartache to his family--even when his intention
is to protect those entrusted to his care.
The following case of the Davis family is an excerpt from the
book
Forbidden Grief-The Unspoken Pain of Abortion by Theresa
Burke, Ph.D. with David Reardon, Ph.D. The case of Gina reveals
a father who had the best intentions but is confused and stuck,
unable to reach out and give his daughter the support she needs
after her abortion. Read how Dr. Burke and the Rachel's Vineyard
Retreat helped this family
Chapter one
Gina's Story
"I was hoping you could help my daughter. She needs
counseling. Somebody objective. God certainly knows I'm not."
Mr. Davis's voice trailed off as if in regretful thought.
"What's the problem?" I asked, shifting the telephone
receiver to my shoulder so I could jot down a few notes.
"Well," he stammered, "my daughter, Gina, is dating this guy.
He's verbally and physically abusive. He is ruining her life."
Mr. Davis sounded desperate. In his voice I could detect anger
and hurt but worst of all helplessness. "I can't just sit back
and watch my daughter ruin her life. This guy already has
another kid he can't support. I don't know what she sees in him.
My Gina, she's a great girl."
His tone changed to a hushed whisper. "I love her so much but
I'm losing her." He was silent for a moment, then his voice
cracked, "Please, can you do something? Can you help her see
what a creep he is? Gina won't listen to me anymore."
I informed Mr. Davis that I couldn't break them up but I
could help Gina examine her relationship and sort out her
feelings about this man. Then I asked Mr. Davis if anything else
had happened between Gina and her boyfriend.
The question itself was a threat. Mr. Davis hesitated.
Finally he answered, "Well, there is something but it should
really come from her. I think she should be the one to tell you.
After all, it's her life and I don't want her to think I was
talking behind her back."
"Did your daughter have an abortion?" I asked in a matter of
fact tone. The word was said. Abortion. There was silence, as is
almost always the case. I had a telephone listing for The
Center for Post Abortion Healing, yet still people would
often struggle to explain why they were calling.
I met his daughter that night. Gina was 19, with long blond
hair and sad blue eyes. "My dad made me have it," she explained.
"He told me I could not live with them if I didn't. He knew it
might make me hate him but he was willing to take that risk. I'd
get over it, he said. I was not raised to believe in abortion.
In high school I even wrote a paper on it." Her eyes welled with
tears, shining like brilliant sapphires.
For three years Gina had never told anyone about the
abortion; within a few moments, the memory surfaced like a tidal
wave of grief. The surges of the experience came crashing
against the fortress of my therapeutic composure as I attempted
to steady her for the next gush of emotion.
Gina's story came out in between distressing sobs and gasps
for air. "I came home from college on a Friday to tell them
about the pregnancy and what we were planning to do.... My dad
hit the roof. He wanted to know what he ever did to deserve
this. Dad took my boyfriend into the kitchen to have a
man-to-man talk. They would not let me in. Dad tried to pressure
him to convince me that abortion was the best thing."
With much difficulty, she continued. "Two days later I was up
on a table, my feet in stirrups.... I cried the whole way
there.... My mom took me.... I kept telling her I did not want
this.... Please no! Don't make me do this; don't make me do
this.... I said it the whole way there.... No one listened. When
a counselor asked me if I was sure, I shrugged my shoulders....
I could hardly speak. They did it.... They killed my baby."
Overcome with heartache, Gina began to moan. Bent over
holding her womb, she couldn't believe she had actually had an
abortion. After a long tearful pause, Gina continued, "Just as
quickly as it had happened everyone seemed to forget about it.
My parents never talked about it. They were furious when they
found out that I was still seeing Joe. They never let up on
their negative comments about him. Things were not so good
between Joe and me either. We were always fighting. I was so
depressed and did not know how to handle my feelings. I was too
ashamed to talk about the abortion with my friends, and my
parents made me promise not to tell anyone."
As her story unraveled, I saw many signals of complicated
mourning. Anger and hurt filled Gina's heart. There was grief,
too tremendous grief over a dead baby who would never be there
to offer joy and hope. Anything related to babies made her cry:
baby showers, diaper commercials, even children. Everything
triggered relentless heartache. There was a wound in her soul
that simply would not stop bleeding.
Though Gina's family had been nominally Christian, religious
faith did not hinder their desire for an abortion. Her parents
had believed that by insisting on abortion they would save her
from a life of poverty and tribulation with a man they did not
believe could love or support their precious daughter. Joe
already had a child whom he was not supporting. They feared for
her future with such a man.
Now the future was here. Her self-esteem crumbled, depression
was a constant companion, and her parents watched sadly as a
negative transformation robbed them of the daughter they knew.
Gina needed permission to grieve. Her parents had deprived
her of the genuine compassion and acceptance she needed from
them. They had not accepted the pregnancy earlier; later they
could not accept her grief. She felt utterly rejected by them.
Gina joined our support group and also came for individual
therapy. Once in treatment for post-abortion trauma, she became
able to express some of her feelings. She was enraged at her
parents for not being able to accept her pregnancy. They just
wanted to get rid of the problem. She also felt angry at Joe for
not protecting her and the baby. Since it was her own parents
who wanted the abortion, Joe put the blame back on Gina.
Gina had been in deep psychic pain and felt rejected. Caught
between loyalties toward her parents, Joe, and her unborn child
Gina was immobilized and unable to process her own feelings
about the event. In a developmental sense she was stuck. She had
not been given permission to grow up, have a baby, and become a
mother. Her desire for independence and adulthood had been
frustrated by her unsuccessful attempt to break the emotional
reliance on her parents whom she loved and had always been so
vital in her life. When she terminated the pregnancy, it was not
only her pregnancy that was aborted; her embryonic womanhood had
been aborted too. The result of the abortion was that she had
become emotionally immobilized and uncertain. The loss of her
child was an unprecedented assault on her sense of identity.
Because she could not carry out the role of a protective mother,
she felt an extraordinary sense of failure, and a deep sense of
being violated. In a state of severe depression, Gina was
incapable of making decisions, powerless to assert herself, and
unable to love.
Despite his abusive behavior, Gina clung to her boyfriend
Joe. His mistreatment of her confirmed her low self-esteem and
sense of powerlessness. Moreover, she knew her parents hated
him. By forcing her parents to accept Joe, she was him and was
unconsciously lashing back punishing them by forcing her parents
to accept -- echoing they way they had forced her to accept an
unwanted abortion. This dynamic gave her a sense of control, yet
his being a part of her life. Gina was trapped in a vicious
cycle by which she was punishing both herself and her father.
Perhaps most important of all, Joe signified her connection
to their aborted baby. Gina feared that giving him up would
destroy the only bond remaining to the child she still needed to
grieve. If she gave up Joe she would have to give up the hope of
recreating the baby for whom she still needed to grieve.
Gina was trapped in a vicious cycle by which she was
punishing both herself and her father.
Once Gina was in treatment for post-abortion trauma, she was
able to express these feelings. It was important for both her
sake and her family, however, that her parents should also enter
into the therapy process with her. She needed them to validate
her loss and accept their responsibility for contributing to her
emotional devastation. Without this recognition deterioration
otherwise their relationship could never be fully healed.
In entering into this family counseling situation, I knew
each parent would attempt to justify and defend their actions as
they struggled with their daughter's experience. This resistance
or inability to confront and admit emotional or spiritual pain
is called denial. In this phase of treatment, denial is a
powerful temptation.
Gina's mom came first. She listened to her daughter and
expressed sorrow. I watched a pained expression on the woman's
face that persisted along with the inevitable but...
I know you are hurting BUT we thought we were doing the
best thing. I realize this is hard BUT you must get on with
your life. You wanted the baby BUT how would you ever pay
for it? BUT how would you finish school. BUT, BUT, BUT...
The list goes on and on like dirty laundry, never ending,
never finished. Each exception robbed Gina of the gift of fully
acknowledging her loss. Her parents could not accept the
pregnancy; now they couldn't accept her grief. She felt utterly
rejected.
Father Knows Best?
Gina's father had no idea what she had sacrificed in order to
please him. It was important for her to tell him, so Mr. Davis
was invited for a session. The night before our meeting, he
called me.
"My stomach has been upset all week since I heard about this
meeting," he said. "I want to do what is best for Gina." Then
his tone became more formal and forceful: "I just want you to
know that this is NOT a moral issue to me. Gina had to have that
abortion! I still think we made the right decision. If I had it
to do again, I would choose the same thing. I know this is not
what she wants to hear. Should I lie about it to make her feel
better? Is that what I should do? Tell her I made a mistake? I
cannot do that!"
With renewed determination, I explained, "Mr. Davis, I know
you love your daughter very much. I know that she loves you or
she never would have consented to have an abortion. The fact
remains that your daughter lost something. What she lost was a
child. Her baby; your grandchild. Gina thinks about it every
day. She cries about it every night. The event is far from over
for her. You need to hear how the abortion has affected her."
Mr. Davis did not respond. With conviction, I continued,
"When someone dies, the worst thing another can say is "it was
for the best, it's better this way." This does nothing to
comfort and console; it only makes the person angry because you
are not appreciating their loss or grief. Worse for Gina is that
you do not recognize the life that she is missing. Gina misses
her baby, a child you have not been able to acknowledge."
Eventually, Mr. Davis agreed that he would try to listen and
that maybe he had something to learn. I really couldn't hope for
more than that.
"Men are not prone to emotional mushiness," he reminded me.
He honestly wished he could feel sorrow and compassion over the
baby, but he could not. Nevertheless, he would listen if it
would help his daughter.
Listening and Taking Responsibility
When Mr. Davis came in the next morning, he opened with a
surprising statement. "I had no right to make that choice," he
said. After wrestling with various points in our conversation
all night, he admitted that for the first time he realized that
abortion was not Gina's choice.
The session began and it was very intense. Gina expressed her
anger, hurt and feelings of rejection. She also shared her grief
about the aborted baby.
Mr. Davis began to face some things for the first time. He
was finally able to consider the baby and to separate Joe from
the pregnancy. Abortion was a way to scrape out any symptom of
his daughter's sexual activity and heroically free her from the
consequences of her own actions. He began to realize that his
daughter was a woman now, one he should not have tried to
control. He needed to trust Gina to be capable of making her own
decisions without the threat of abandonment.
As these interpretations became clear to Mr. Davis, denial
could no longer sustain its powerful grip. Suddenly grief came
upon Mr. Davis. He stared in disbelief, as if a light had
abruptly cast shocking rays into a blackened room.
His voice broke with anguish. "Oh my baby, my sweet baby, my
Gina," he cried. "I am so sorry. I was so wrong." He pressed his
face against her cheek and the tears finally came. His tears
mingled with Gina's as they both wept. Gina put her arms around
him. They embraced tightly as her father gently stroked her long
hair. All the anger, the bitterness, the pent-up emotions, the
grief, gave way. They sobbed in each other's arms. He begged for
her forgiveness. Between tears and tissues, he told Gina she
would have been an incredible mother. In one beautiful moment,
her motherhood had been validated and Gina wept with relief.
In a subsequent joint session with her parents, Gina
expressed her anger, hurt and feelings of rejection and shared
her grief about the aborted baby. Gina also took personal
responsibility for having allowed the abortion to occur and
wanted her parents to do the same. This time, her parents
listened without defending or rationalizing what had happened.
Therapy helped Gina's parents to understand the grave mistake
that they had made in forcing Gina to choose between them and
her baby. I encouraged them not to make her choose again between
them and Joe. In bitterness and grief, Gina might permit another
type of abortion: a termination of her role as their daughter.
By acknowledging Gina's grief, and sharing it with her, Mr.
and Mrs. Davis restored their relationship with their daughter.
Gina's loving and happy personality was eventually able to bloom
once more. She could continue forward, was once again able to
renew in her journey toward becoming a confident and capable
adult. With the support of therapeutic intervention she found
that she was able to identify her own needs -- like the desire
to break up with Joe, and to attain her own goals.
A Family That Mirrors Society
Gina's story illustrates how complex abortion, and the
decision to abort, truly is. It involves issues of family
relationships, self-identity, morality, and psychological and
physical well-being.
When her Gina's parents were pushing for the abortion, they
honestly believed that the abortion would benefit her life. They
could not have imagined the psychological toll it would exact
upon either their daughter or their family. Even after Gina
began having her emotional problems, they could not of a long
time understand or empathize with her trauma.
The same is true of most families who pressure or encourage
their loved ones to abort. It is all too easy to imagine that
abortion is a "quick fix" that will "turn back the clock" and
allow a woman's life to go back to the same as it was before.
But this is a very superficial view. Once a woman is pregnant,
the choice is not simply between (1) having a baby or (2) not
having a baby. The choice is between (1) having a baby or (2)
having the experience of an abortion. Both are life-changing
experiences. Both have significant psychological consequences,
either contributing or hindering to a person's mental health.
Defenders of abortion have often tried to sidestep the
question of abortion's psychological risks by arguing that
having an "unwanted" baby is even more "traumatic" than having
an abortion. This argument, however, is always raised in the
context of dismissing evidence regarding post-abortion trauma.
It is never accompanied by research citations showing that women
who give birth suffer more psychological injury than women who
have abortions, because no such studies exist. Instead, this
argument is an unsupported assertion that is really an attempt
to shift attention away from the real issue at hand: the fact
that abortion does have significant psychological consequences.
While it is fitting to compare the psychological experiences of
having a child and having an abortion, very little research has
been done to make this comparison. All we have at present are
people's assertions.
In addition, even if it were proven that "unwanted children"
are more psychologically damaging than a traumatic abortion,
this does not change the fact that women and their families
should still be told the mental health risks of abortion. For
many women, abortion is the most deeply traumatic and
emotionally painful experience of their lives. They have a right
to know that this is a possibility. But in practice, women and
the family members advising them are not being given an accurate
picture of what the negative effects of abortion may truly be.
Everyone knows, at least to some degree, what the burdens of
being a parent involve. This is public knowledge. It is also
public knowledge (supported by all the scientific research on
this subject) that most women will quickly come to love and
treasure an unplanned child. They and their family members will
relish the many pleasures and benefits that offset the
corresponding burdens of parenthood and disruptions of personal
goals.
In my opinion, the "trauma" of unexpectedly becoming a parent
is generally self-healing within a very short period of time. In
addition, it is clear that there is an abundance of social
resources offered by family, friends, and government to help new
parents to raise their children. This social support is crucial
to being able to adjust to parenthood.
Unfortunately, none of this is true with regard to abortion.
In my clinical experience, I have seen that the emotional pain
related to an abortion is more likely to be prolonged and more
likely to create negative distortions in a person's life that
are not readily understood or accepted by themselves or others.
Moreover, the general public has very little understanding of
the post-abortion experience. This is why there are very few
resources available to help women and men struggling with the
psychological or physical consequences of abortion.
At the very least, the scales of the balance are tipped.
There is social awareness of the need to support for parents who
are raising their children, but there is very little social
awareness of the need to support women and men on their journey
to emotional healing after an abortion.
The ignorance and denial exhibited in the story of the Davis
family is typical of our society as a whole. Just as this
ignorance and denial about the consequences of abortion was an
obstacle in the way of Gina's recovery, they are also obstacles
in the way of the healing and recovery of millions of women and
men. If, as a society, we want to contribute to the mental
health of women, we must be willing to take a more critical look
at the many complex ways that abortion can effect a woman's or
man's life.
It is equally tragic that the widespread ignorance and denial
regarding abortion's consequences contributes to the problem of
women being coerced into unwanted abortion. When families,
boyfriends, spouses, counselors and health care workers
mistakenly believe that most women can have an abortion and then
"just forget about it," it is far more likely that they mislead,
manipulate, and pressured women into submitting to unwanted
abortions for "the good of everyone." This is especially
important since up to 53 percent of women who experience
significant post-abortion problems subsequently state that they
felt pressured by other people to choose abortion (David C.
Reardon, Aborted Women, Silent No More, p. 333).
In the next two chapters, I will try to examine why there is
so much ignorance and denial regarding post-abortion issues. In
the subsequent chapters, I will look at more specifically at the
range of emotional consequences that I have treated in my own
counseling work.
